I leave in 48 hours....

In exactly 48 hours I will on a plane, heading to my final destination of Cape Town, South Africa. I've done quite a bit of preparing...preliminary packing, getting all my duck in a row and most everything taken care of. After worrying that my dog my actually have no home for a week, last night a sweet new friend offered to give him a home for the week. All in all, I think I have everything done that I can before I leave....except maybe ONE more run to target (I think this will be the 5th time this week!).

There is one part of me that I have no idea how to prepare though...as cheesy as it sounds, I have no idea how to prepare my heart in all of this. My dear old roomate Murielle said that when she got off the plane in Cape Town, it was her first experience stepping onto African soil. And the interesting part is that when you get off the plane there, you don't step into a concourse like an American airport...you step right onto the actual ground. She said for her, that there was this crazy moment of knowing that you've been waiting for this for a very long time, and finally it was coming to be.

I think it's going to be like that. I couldn't sleep last night (like usual this week) and so I grabbed an old journal from 3 years ago and starting poking through. Since it all started probably 3 years prior to that, my dreams about going to Africa were fully realized at that point. I have specific entries talking about my hopes of spending time in South Africa working with AIDS orphans and doing photography.

This trip has taken on an interesting tone in that I'm "scouting" for so much more. I think it's my blind date with South Africa :).

(Maybe it's been more like online dating.... I mean I've at least seen pictures. Haha....after all my standing on a pedastol and talking about how online dating is going to be the end of society as we know it.)

Anyway, I doubt many people even check this anymore, since I'm so infrequent at writing. But I type faster than I write, so this seemed like a good mode to get my early morning thoughts out.

48 hours.

Wow.

Come and check it out! Help us raise some funds for our trip to South Africa!!! Should be alot of fun....

I'm not sure why I can't sleep tonight. I've had a full, wonderful weekend -- showing my best friends from Ohio all that Colorado life has to offer...I guess there are just times when your mind keeps you up even when your eyes and body are so sleepy.

The past few days I've been awake to the cost of my dreams.

I'm keenly aware of just how big my dreams are - the ones that I've tried to put to sleep, or at least mute for now...in the weakest moments, you try to silence them by settling, while all the long knowing it won't work... but they are embedded enough within your heart that in the quiet moments they creep back in.

And there is such a difference between idealistic dreams that you have when you are younger and anything seems possible...and then as you grow up a bit you realize that it's actually time to step into the things you've always claimed you wanted.

The jolting reality for me has been the cost of it all. Just because it's a dream doesn't mean it will come easy. I'm sure for some people that's nothing new. But for me, I've always been handed everything I wanted without much effort. Everything was always within reach.

Jesus is asking me to walk into a new stage. One where dreaming requires paying. Often in waiting, deep pain and honest evaluation of the heart. Saying no to the great enemy of God's best -- which is the "really really great".

Sometimes I feel like Jesus is calling my bluff on everything I say I've wanted when I see what that actually means.

There is no other option though. I can't stay asleep to the desires in my heart, I must fully embrace them and step forward into the pain to one day reach the goal.

It sounds really dramatic as I write it, but it feels so real within me.

I suppose everything deep and heartfelt in life sounds super cheesy if it's not viewed in the right light.

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I've decided that most of my favoriote moments in movies include airports.

So do most of my favoriote moments in life.

I need to travel.

Evang-a-dating

Today I was working on a presentation at one of those coffee shops that you speak in hushed tones while you are working...if you speak at all.

Except, for this swanky couple sitting on the couch deeply gazing into each other's eyes. They had a Bible out and were pouring over it. And talking very loudly. So of course I listened in. It wasn't long before I realized that the guy, who seemed to be a Christian, was participating in the age old ritual of evang-a-dating. In a somewhat sultry voice he was reading the scripture to his lady friend, and sharing with her who Jesus is. All the while making himself as desirable and flirtatious as possible.

It made me want to puke on my boots.

Saturday's

....are the day when I try to pretend like I'm not an adult yet...I actually for the past month have worn Cons every Saturday...mostly because they are forbidden "shoes that can float" at work. I also sleep in past my usual 5:30 wake up time...and just for the heck of it I eat a little junk food. I consider it rebelling against the life I've created for myself the other 6 days of the week. A sabbath from responsibility if you will.

Since I'm living with two dear friends, one of which is an old high school friend, I looked through his CD's and found a band I remember loving in high school. The nostalgic side of me is sad to report that I didn't enjoy it nearly as much. In fact I'm afraid that I had quite bad music taste at that point in my life :)

I think starting next week I'm going to try an hour of responsibility-less-ness a day, rather than pretending I'm five to ten years younger for a day.

An bit from my friend Grace's blog...(a quote from a quote. Awesome. Seth will love it.)

Simplicity is part of what it means to be a follower of Christ. Foster ends the book with statements that make tomorrow worth well worth living for, whether you are living cross-culturally in Africa or waking up in an American bed: “The joyful paradox in all this is while simplicity is complex it is also simple. In the final analysis we are not the ones who have to untangle all the intricacies of our complex world. There are not many things we have to keep in mind -in fact, only one: to attentive to the voice of the true Shepard. There are not many decisions we have to make -in fact, only one: to seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness. There are not many tasks we have to do -in fact, only one: to obey him in all things…Jesus invited people to share his yoke, adding that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. Our only task is to keep in step with him. He chooses to direct and leads the way. As we walk step by step with him, we soon discover that we have lost the crushing burden of needing to take care of ourselves and get our own way, and we discover that the burden is indeed light. We come into the joyful, simple life of hearing and obeying.”