In exactly 48 hours I will on a plane, heading to my final destination of Cape Town, South Africa. I've done quite a bit of preparing...preliminary packing, getting all my duck in a row and most everything taken care of. After worrying that my dog my actually have no home for a week, last night a sweet new friend offered to give him a home for the week. All in all, I think I have everything done that I can before I leave....except maybe ONE more run to target (I think this will be the 5th time this week!).
There is one part of me that I have no idea how to prepare though...as cheesy as it sounds, I have no idea how to prepare my heart in all of this. My dear old roomate Murielle said that when she got off the plane in Cape Town, it was her first experience stepping onto African soil. And the interesting part is that when you get off the plane there, you don't step into a concourse like an American airport...you step right onto the actual ground. She said for her, that there was this crazy moment of knowing that you've been waiting for this for a very long time, and finally it was coming to be.
I think it's going to be like that. I couldn't sleep last night (like usual this week) and so I grabbed an old journal from 3 years ago and starting poking through. Since it all started probably 3 years prior to that, my dreams about going to Africa were fully realized at that point. I have specific entries talking about my hopes of spending time in South Africa working with AIDS orphans and doing photography.
This trip has taken on an interesting tone in that I'm "scouting" for so much more. I think it's my blind date with South Africa :).
(Maybe it's been more like online dating.... I mean I've at least seen pictures. Haha....after all my standing on a pedastol and talking about how online dating is going to be the end of society as we know it.)
Anyway, I doubt many people even check this anymore, since I'm so infrequent at writing. But I type faster than I write, so this seemed like a good mode to get my early morning thoughts out.
48 hours.
Wow.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
I'm not sure why I can't sleep tonight. I've had a full, wonderful weekend -- showing my best friends from Ohio all that Colorado life has to offer...I guess there are just times when your mind keeps you up even when your eyes and body are so sleepy.
The past few days I've been awake to the cost of my dreams.
I'm keenly aware of just how big my dreams are - the ones that I've tried to put to sleep, or at least mute for now...in the weakest moments, you try to silence them by settling, while all the long knowing it won't work... but they are embedded enough within your heart that in the quiet moments they creep back in.
And there is such a difference between idealistic dreams that you have when you are younger and anything seems possible...and then as you grow up a bit you realize that it's actually time to step into the things you've always claimed you wanted.
The jolting reality for me has been the cost of it all. Just because it's a dream doesn't mean it will come easy. I'm sure for some people that's nothing new. But for me, I've always been handed everything I wanted without much effort. Everything was always within reach.
Jesus is asking me to walk into a new stage. One where dreaming requires paying. Often in waiting, deep pain and honest evaluation of the heart. Saying no to the great enemy of God's best -- which is the "really really great".
Sometimes I feel like Jesus is calling my bluff on everything I say I've wanted when I see what that actually means.
There is no other option though. I can't stay asleep to the desires in my heart, I must fully embrace them and step forward into the pain to one day reach the goal.
It sounds really dramatic as I write it, but it feels so real within me.
I suppose everything deep and heartfelt in life sounds super cheesy if it's not viewed in the right light.
.
The past few days I've been awake to the cost of my dreams.
I'm keenly aware of just how big my dreams are - the ones that I've tried to put to sleep, or at least mute for now...in the weakest moments, you try to silence them by settling, while all the long knowing it won't work... but they are embedded enough within your heart that in the quiet moments they creep back in.
And there is such a difference between idealistic dreams that you have when you are younger and anything seems possible...and then as you grow up a bit you realize that it's actually time to step into the things you've always claimed you wanted.
The jolting reality for me has been the cost of it all. Just because it's a dream doesn't mean it will come easy. I'm sure for some people that's nothing new. But for me, I've always been handed everything I wanted without much effort. Everything was always within reach.
Jesus is asking me to walk into a new stage. One where dreaming requires paying. Often in waiting, deep pain and honest evaluation of the heart. Saying no to the great enemy of God's best -- which is the "really really great".
Sometimes I feel like Jesus is calling my bluff on everything I say I've wanted when I see what that actually means.
There is no other option though. I can't stay asleep to the desires in my heart, I must fully embrace them and step forward into the pain to one day reach the goal.
It sounds really dramatic as I write it, but it feels so real within me.
I suppose everything deep and heartfelt in life sounds super cheesy if it's not viewed in the right light.
.
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