At dinner with my friend Gretchen last night we were talking about choices...making choices to stick with things when it's hard because it's honoring to the Lord...choosing to love someone...choosing to stop loving someone when it's unhealthy...choosing where we want to go in life and choosing to step into the fullness of what God has for us...and I really think that the brokered power that God has given us to make decisions is incredible.

There's such incredible wisdom in reconginzing though that we are still responsible for our decisions. Stick with me here...I think too often when we are in a rough time we look at our life and think, 'Why did Jesus do this to me?...Why is He making me feel this way about this person? ...Why won't He take away this desire ... this circumstance...this ________' (fill in the blank. We all love to blame Him for things that aren't His to be blamed for....). And I think that too often we don't pay attention to the fact that we've been very active in our own lives. We don't live these passive, victimized lives at the hand of a God who only slightly cares about our interests. As we follow Jesus, we are given millions of decisions. I can't begin to understand how the tension of our choices and God's will fit together. There are alot of people alot smarter than me that have come to very contradictory conclusions on such matters. But I do know that it seems that God is in complete control and yet He's given alot of power to us partcipate in our own lives.

I can only imagine how it grieves the heart of God when we shake our fists at Him...a swirling mix of adult anger and childlike confusion...all for things that we are actually responsible for.

For more eloquent thoughts on this...and a very funny story...check out Seth's blog from a few months ago...about the kids that I nanny for. Amazing. I should find that link. That would be helpful.

Tonight's the last night....

Here's a little smattering of photos from the past two years at Cook St. South.

Tonight is my last night in the house...it's hard to imagine all of the insanity that has happened within these walls in the past two years -- from forts to robbers...deep belly laughter, arguments and many many tears...two of the most incredible friends that a girl could ask for...who have helped me through some incredibly difficult times that were thrown my way during this time...

And I suppose, even if I weren't an overly reflective person, that it's impossible to not have times like this as a marker and definite end to a season...I'd even say an era.

Is it ever possible to enter into new things without an underlying sense of fear? That sense of just not knowing what's next and not being sure if you want it...I don't know.

It's late. Maybe I should get some sleep. For the last time in the hosue that represents an incredibly amazing, challenging, and forming time.

Steve OR Steven Read

So last night I went to this thing called Self-Made at Double Daughter's. It's a creative forum of sorts that has different guest speakers every week who discuss their creative business.

Last night, I went and had the chance to hear from a local artist named Steve Read. Now, although at first, I'll admit I had a hard time getting into it (there is something about artists that we just aren't very good at discussing our work in any understandable fashion). But eventually I found his ideas really sparking some ideas within me...questions that someday I look forward to answering.

Check out this project of his...basically, he created a program that collects and displays random photos from the internet. As a photographer, it is interesting to look and see how amateurs compose images and wonder what that says about innate understanding of composition or lack thereof. How much has my training made a difference and how much is just within us as people....even those that don't consider themselves artists.

Interesting anyways.

http://www.stevenread.com/art/photonoise/

It's true...I'm an eavesdropper.

And even if you deny it, I bet that you are too.

I guess that if people are at coffee shops, describing their life in excruating detail, particularily if it's loudly, they can't be upset that every once in awhile I'm ignoring my book, and being a bit voyeuristic. I mean, if it's really that personal, shouldn't they be talking in a more private enviornment? Granted, I've had a fair share of deep conversations at coffee shops too....but I have a blog! If I was so worried about privacy, I wouldn't allow my life to be such an open book.

Anyways, in the hour or two that I was at St. Mark's tonight, I had an opportunity to listen in on a few, very loud conversations. What amazed me, is that in almost every one, people were trying to work through some sort of grey area in a relationship - friendship...sort of boyfriend...girlfriend...family...

Consistently, they were concerned with what was fair and what they could do....how things can be defined, and essentially how to navigate the very difficult arena of dealing with other people.

Coincidentally, I was reading a bit through 1 Corinthians, and made it to the part that it talks about love. Since I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a marathon of weddings in the past few years, it's been a passage that I've thought through, and heard alot of mini-sermons on. What was striking to me in through the combination of reading the Bible and listening to the expirences of the loud talkers at the coffee shop, was how much time people spend trying to fit the grey into black or white, and yet the depth of time that we could spend just focusing in on the actual black and white that the Bible lays out.

I know for myself, there are always complications in relationships...any realtionship with depth will run into that. And as I navigate my friendships, I want to stop trying to work out exactly what to do with grey, and work really hard on doing what Jesus thinks is black and white...

That means being patient and kind to those that I love. It means fleeing from things like envy, boasting, and pride. Not being rude, self-seeking, easily angered or keeping records of wrongs. Looking at my relationships and delighting in truth rather than evil. It absoultely means protecting, trusting, hoping and perservering in relationships with those that I love.

For me...there is a ton of energy, time, and effort that I could put into just focusing in on those things...not worrying about how the grey areas work out, but putting everything into doing those things well.

Hopefully I'll learn to love those around me a little more too. They really deserve it.

Josh's Documentary

I just found out that the documentary Josh Wilson did is available online...

Watch and learn all about me.

:)

Not really. But he did a really good job.

And there's sweet tunes from Meese and Josh Holloran.

http://www.joshwilson.org/media/index.html

Random Thoughts of the Day

Just a few things running through my head as I go to bed: (warning, some serious, some silly. Be prepared for anything.)

*The Devil Wears Prada was a surprisingly great movie. It had some interesting critiques (though nothing revolutionary) about the fashion industry and was very entertaining. It was a little depressing to see alot of my own tendencies in the Andie character....it's a good thing I have friends to pull me out of my insane love of all things related to fashion, success, people pleasing, and the ways that all those things have the ability to interact.

*I love girls nights out. Nothing better than the Rio with my ladies Friday, some quality girl shopping time for the botique with Sarah on Saturday, and the Devil Wears Prada and drinks on Sunday. Girls are great.

*I'm not ready for my dear British brother Marcus to leave. I had to hold back tears when Jay mentioned it at church this evening. I realized that I've always been the one leaving, and never really had to deal with having someone I love so much leave first. Apparently, I'm not too good at being on this end.

*I want to have a party where people make mix CD's of their favoriote songs...or at least the best dang mix they can muster up...then we can do some kind of sweet game like a White Elephant Exchange and all end up knowing about some new music and having a great time listening to tunes in our car. I think the fact that I think about things like this makes me a music snob, but I'm not sure.

*Today was my first day OFF...totally off... in about 2 weeks. Before that I had almost 3 weeks straight of guests, so today was the first day where no one needed me. It was incredible. I didn't get out of bed until 12, sat on the couch reading until 2 and then went to St. Marks. You can't beat it.

*I've been thinking about duty and love. Is it ever okay for love to become a habit or get a sense of perserverance to it? Specficially, is it always necessary to know that you're doing things for God out of a sense of love for Jesus? Or can we ever do it out of duty? Is that still love? How does this play into our relationships now? When I'm doing things out of duty, is that something that I should be repenting of? How can one even trust their heart? I think there is alot more to think through on this one. It probably deserves an entire post of it's own, and someday maybe I will indulge in such an adventure.

*I need to figure out this South Africa stuff.

*I had mean thoughts about my landlord all day today. We'll just consider this a confession.

I feel better now that that's all out. I suppose I can go to bed now.