Inadequate Words.

Last night I went to the funeral of the woman, Colleen Caudill, that I asked you to pray for a few posts back. The truth is, that I barely knew Colleen and I don't really know her husband that well either...sure, we've exchanged warm smiles, and hugs at church, but I couldn't tell you much about them or their lives. Sitting in her funeral though last night actually made me pretty sad that I hadn't had the opportunity to share more of life with Colleen...the things that her family and friends recounted about her -- the literally HUNDREDS of people that filled Faith Bible Chapel to celebrate her life -- the way her husband spoke without a bit of hesitation in his voice about the amazing woman that was his wife....they all made me realize this was a woman I could've really learned from.

And somehow there were lessons that I learned from her even at her funeral -- when her kids got in an argument she would make them touch noses until they started laughing (I think this is a brillant method! Store that one away...)...she spoke boldly and in confidence to her friends and family about God's goodness and plan for them even while she was sick in the hospital...she was full of love for her six children, serving them and giving her life for them....she had a room full of hundreds of people that she had touched and blessed with her life.

And goodness, did she marry a good man! You know, I try my best during worship at our church to actually interact with God. But have you ever been in one of those moments where out of the corner of your eye you see someone else worshipping? There were a couple of times where that's happened with Patrick, and I'll look over and I'm overwhelmed with how much he loves and knows our God. It's just evident watching him. And there's something about watching older men worship that drives me to tears every time....knowing that they have a rich history with the Lord and still after all these years are filled with passion for Him. Then, watching him speak about Colleen last night - hearing the love in his voice - in way that is too deep to talk through on this blog, made me understand more the love of God...and beyond that gave me renewed excitement to someday have a husband like that. I wouldn't want anything less than a guy who is going to serve Jesus passionately all his days, and love me not just faithfully, but with all he's got. I think that's what Patrick was to Colleen.

I think alot more of why it all hit me was the deep thankfulness that my dad is still alive. We've gotten so close over the past few years and even closer since he's been diagnosed with cancer. And honestly, when father's day rolled around this year, it was hard for me to even call him because I was afraid that he would answer the phone and I would just start crying because I loved him much and I am so grateful that he's still alive. And as I sat there in Colleen's funeral I realized that this could've been our family so easily...life really is so fleeting...and that for some reason, so far, God in His grace has chosen to spare us from that temporarily...but not forever. I want to love my parents with all I've got, for as long as I can.

And I want to think through what I want to be remembered for. I remember in high school youth group, they made us write out our eulogy at one point. I thought it was a dumb and morbid exercise as a fifteen year old...but there is something to that. What legacy will I leave behind? Who will be at my funeral as a testimony to my life and love for those around me? Am I loving people...and giving my life for them now?

So, to be honest, these words don't do any of it justice...it's so hard to wrap up in a nutshell and explain why I was crying through the entirety of a funeral of a woman I barely knew...(other than that brief stint in which Seth and I both thought the pastor said something that he didn't (twice), and I was laughing, but pretending I was crying...you know, if you're going to be a speaker, you must learn to ennuciate...and I must learn to stop laughing at inappropriate moments!)...but that's okay, I suppose.